Immortal Kombat II
Gunshot Wound Award!

Horrible screenshotI, SJ  Zero, am a monster. A dark doomed lost soul whose life is nothing but an excuse to bring horror into the lives of the innocent. The idea of their lifeblood spilling onto the ground, wasted forever, brings me a perverse pleasure, like pulling the wings off a fly on a massive level. My sins can never be atoned, my crimes against our mother earth are too great to ever ask forgiveness. The closest thing to pennance I shall ever recieve is the curse to roam the earth bearing the burden of my atrocity until the day I die. The sheer fact that I still live, that my body wasn't rended to pieces the moment I thought about committing my perversions, is proof that god cannot exist, that the universe is a cold and unfeeling place, that morality is an illusion created by man to ease his suffering while he toils under tyrants. What did I do that was so worthy of a paragraph of blasphemous rhetoric? I ported the worst fighting game ever, Immortal Kombat II, to FreeBASIC.

When I say the worst fighting game ever, I'm not talking about the graphics, even though they're immobile stick figures, nor the gameplay, though it is more like a "game" of chicken than anything resembling a fighting game, nor the sound, which doesn't exist at all, nor the horrible text interface leading into the game. I'm talking about all these things put together, in a cohesive whole. The fact that someone once thought that this game was a good idea is proof of mans unquenchable folley, that our race is doomed to extinction.

It all starts out innocently enough. One player or two? Surely such an innocent question could not be the harbinger of destruction I paint it to be! I assure you it is. Why? Because it comes to you in SCREEN 13 Text mode. Then the title screen fires up. It occurs to you that it is entirely possible that the line art in this game, between the battle arena and the title screen took more time to make than the rest of the game combined. Then you're met with another SCREEN 13 text mode screen, asking you which character you'd like to be. It doesn't matter which you choose. There may be many layers of difference between them, each more subtle and dangerous in their ferocity as the last. I couldn't see it though. In the end, you get the same stick man, brown head, blue shirt, red pants. Same controls, Same pathetic attack. Press the buttons to kick and punch, and if you're in range, damage will be taken off. No animations as far as I could tell, just damage taken off. In the end, there is no subtlety, just a slapfight of keys.

I can't continue. I must move on to the next city, always hiding in the shadows lest a FB programmer try to lynch me.

--SJ Zero hates the light.


  Graphics: There is no god.
  Sound: There is no sound.
  Gameplay: There is no gameplay.