QB Accelerator Reviews
  Let me kill something!!!
    Mirkwood Jocke the Beast

QBXL Extra
"Kill people!" Olympics
The people at QBXL are all trained killers. ABC News told us so. See, video games train people to kill, so we're experts. We decided to see how good we were at kiIling innocent people. Here are the results, and our comments on each player.

Alien Jack Nicholson

With insane veraity, inhuman agility, and a cold, calculating, evil desire to kill everyone, he was by far the most efficient killing machine. The strange thing is that he managed to kill all these people without actually firing a gun...

Score:1000 kills

Comments:I'm a freakin' alien head that wants to kill people. What the hell did you expect?

SJ Zero

Though he's usually a pacifist, SJ Zero can be an assassin of the highest calibre. Of course, eventually he gets bored and starts pistol whipping his victims to death for fun, then he falls asleep.

Score:500 kills

Comments:Pistol whip punk, kickin ass for all time!

Forsaken ()ne

While he is a gifted sniper, he is also lazy. He never really moves, even when everyone stops going to the places he snipes. This makes him dangeous until found.

Score: 300 kills



While he talked a good game, he only managed to kill one person, though he insists it's because "th3 gun 15 t3h 5h1t!",  and not because he was so busy talking.

Score:1 kill

Comments:Th15 gun 15 teh 5h1t. 1 TH1NK 17 15 M$ w34p0nz! 1 c4n k1ll m0r3 L4m3r n3wb135 th4n j00!

This ain't right. I tell you, if you're in the middle of a dark forest and holding a sword, you should be attacked before you can move more than a meter. Why? Because if you don't, I get bored. When I get bored... PEOPLE DIE!!!!!!  So you know what? I'm gonna get that Jocke the Beast, the guy who made this game.. Y'know, he sounds like a guy I could get to like. Bastard wants to kill people as much as I do. I respect that, I really do. But this was intentional.

Jocke the Beast wants me to kill. That's why he made it so nothing ever attacks.

There are battles, yeah, but the bastards wait so long to do it that you give in to the urge and take out a few innocent bystanders while for something to kill. I was freakin' bored.

Since I can't rant about how freakin' boring this game is for a full article, I'll talk about the graphics and stuff.

The sprites are strange. I know this guy is a killer, so I think this is how he sees his victims. They have no face. They teleport from spot to spot because the engine doesn't let them scroll, and in order to get away from a fight, they have to smoke some red herb. You too. That's right, to get away from the level 1 cockroach, you have to take some herb. there's no other way. That's really too bad too, since the random battles are pretty damn random. One minute you're fightin' a squirrel, the next you're fightin' the damn hero of the universe. It's crazy.

Wait...this whole game is crazy. I'm going to go count my old lady change.

--Alien Jack Nicholson really killed some innocent bystanders...oops!


  Graphics: Graphics: They spoke to me. They said "RED RUM! RED RUM!"
  Sound: There wasn't any. That sucked.
  Gameplay: I like killing people. This game doesn't let me do that without travelling all over hell and back.
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