QB VS. Everyone else! YingYangFace Off

QB programmers have fought the world for over a decade now. Against state of the art processors, against programmers with real programming languages and real compilers, against Microsoft and Microsoft Windows, There's even been a battle or two against BATCH PROGRAMMERS. To say that the QB programmers are against the tide of public opinion would be an understatement. Today, SJ Zero and Frankie argue the merits of QB vs...well, just about anything else ever created anywhere. SJ Zero will be arguing in blunt bold, while Frankie uses classic italics.

There is no doubt, QB has it's perks. Great string handling, quick compilation, a stable platform, great health plan, and it gets you the chicks. What could be better for hobbyist projects?

WHAT YOU SAY!! You mean to tell me that some retarded arsehead actually USES QB nowadays? You know, if one was to take QB to a remote Pacific island whose islanders had never seen a computer before, they'd still say "it's crap". So does every SANE, RESPECTABLE programmer in existence today. While the rest of us are producing top quality l33t games and software (using  C/C++, Java, Python or any other language that does not instil in a programmer a wish to repeatedly hit their head against a brick wall while having each fingernail slowly torn out by no other than CowboyNeal using only his teeth, to numb the extreme pain caused by the crapathon that is QB" - C is officially endorsed by Brian Mulroney(in his own words: "C rules. QB suxx0rz. Ph33r.") , so you just KNOW it's of the highest quality), you fools are still chugging away, being proud of your little pieces of crap that pit "01111101 TEH BARBAREUN" against "10101111, FAERE PRINCE", accompanied by beeping sound effects that sound worse than a cat be mangled. In extreme cold. With a gay dwarf repeatedly whipping its nether regions. Or something. I'd sooner be forced watch Steve Ballmer's interpretation of the works of Britney Spears (whilst dressed in appropriate garb - leather, anyone?) than use the quagmire of crap that is QB. Chicks? CHICKS?!?!?!!11 Nay, they are merely morbidly obese pony-tailed trekkies, my insane friend. Whatever turns you demented folks on, I suppose...

I'd rather our sound effects being like that than PROGRAMMING IN IT being like that! Compile the program. You get an error message. Where could it be? The program? The logic? The libraries? Does god not like you today? Is it 'that time of the month'? No, with QB, an error message is an error message. "Hey dumbass! You forgot to close your bracket on line X!". We need more programming languages like that. We need more QuickBasic. What we don't need is another PMSin' programming language. 'If you don't know what you did wrong, I'm not going to tell you'.

 Pfft. Error messages my arse. Besides, REAL programmers don't need silly nancy-boy error messages. Anyway, if QB is supposedly SO good at flagging errors, why does it not recognise the most fatal error of them all: that QB is so DEAD, so CRAP, so SHITTY and so OBSOLETE that it attracts whiny little shits who need hand-holding while programming their crappy RPGs that are pathetically bad (hell, even if one was to write an RPG for Babbage's Analytical Engine it'd be superior in every respect to a QB one; not least because of the fact that it wouldn't have sprites so indescribably awful that that you can't tell if the character is "wearing an armour" or if he just shat himself)? They say that you can judge the quality of a programming language by a users. So, let's compare C's numerous luminaries (Linus Torvalds, Dennis Ritchie, Richard Stallman) with QB's motley array of seriously disturbed criminals (Jocke the Beast. 'Nuff said - thanks to QB, babies the world over cannot sleep safely at night, proving that NOBODY IS YET THINKING OF THE CHILDREN. Oh, and don't think YOU'RE any better (YES, YOU!!!!1) - I've seen your perverted fiddling with BC.EXE to try and get your multi-module interpretation of Massacre (with more guns, more senseless violence, more Mulroney, and synthesised screams of pain) to compile. HONESTLY!! DO YOU PEOPLE FEEL NO SHAME!!!). QB is the pleb of the programming world. And stinks almost as disgustingly bad. I can see it now: "QB, the extremely limited, slow and overall SHITTY alternative to other programming languages: 9 out of 10 insane serial killers can't tell the difference!". Uncivilised lowlives.

WHAT!? Don't...make....me...angry... You...wouldn't...like...me...when....I'm...angry...

I can't believe some folks out there are still suffering the intolerable SHIT that is QB. It must take some bravery. Or extreme BRAIN-DEAD STUPIDITY, I forget which. It seems it is too late for you, my friend. You have been FUCKED UP beyond all recognition and foolishly insist that QB is the way to go for all of one's programming needs. BLOODY HELL, I must say how IDIOTIC you sound. You know, the average televangelist has an IQ that is MUCH, MUCH HIGHER than that of a QB programmer. After all, I don't think they'd fall for QB's BULLSHIT of compiles that DON'T EVEN WORK HALF THE TIME, a piss-poor IDE that consumes more memory than an obese American consumes triple-layer quarter-pounder grease burgers with extra lard and error messages designed for "helo 1 need hlep 4 evry steep of porgramin" types. Jesus, you QB users disgust me. Just piss off. Go on. The world needs more QuickBasic as much as it needs more George W. Bush (i.e. the world would be a better place if QB was just taken out and shot like the lame bastard child of Bill Gates that it is), that's for sure.


SJ Zero has escaped a mental institution before..

Frankie is walking away slowly. Smiling. And nodding.

  Comment on this article in our Forum