QB Accelerator Columns
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Alien Jack Nicholsons column

Alien Jack:Origins
Alien Jack Nicholson is fabled to be an inanimate object on a desk. According to sources inside QBXL, he is being held against his will by his colleagues there, and he can't escape on account of the fact that he's an inanimate object.
Id like to spend my first column welcoming all my new freinds (and enemies) to my column. Greetings. A lot of people ask me, "Alien Jack Nicholson", they'll say, "what kind of alien are you?". I tell them to buzz off, since they're usually barking up the wrong tree. I'm not a conversational piece here, I'm an inanimate alien head piggy bank with a pair of sunglasses taped to my face. Just because I look sort of like Jack Nicholson, I get this name attached to me, and I get my own column in this messed up QB magazine. I'm not even an Alien from outer space -- I was made in freaking Taiwan. Sure, I'm an alien from inner Taiwan. Freaking scary.

Yeah, I like to rant a lot, but lets just say my sanity isn't what it used to be. A few years of solitary confinement in a cardboard box on a store shelf, and a few more on some chumps desk (hey! -ed) are enough to waste anybodys mind. At least you have brains! I have a bunch of old lady change, pennies and nickels, in my skull. Lets just say that there isn't much going on in the old ticker, except for the random electrical fields attracted by the huge mass of copper. I can pick up radio stations real good, maybe even pick up some dead guys ghost on a good day, but the music gets boring, and the ghosts are always so single minded, trying to scare this inanimate object, it all becomes kind of fruitless. After listening to some televangelist on the radio for so many hours every Sunday, I have what you might call a healthy hatred for all organized religion, capitalism, humankind, and government. I'm glad though, it keeps my perspective clear.

While we're talking about reality here, I'd like everybody to know something -- Don't write in about my ramblings, because I don't want to hear the truth -- I CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

-Alien Jack Nicholson Is an extremely charismatic inanimate object, who also happens to be our mascot..