| QBXL Extra |
| "Kill me!" Olympics |
| There are many people in the world who deserve
to get whacked. Alien Jack Nicholson sums up the top competitors for the "kill
me!" olympics.
Televangelist I deserve to be killed because if you don't send me money, god will run out of cash and send you to hell! Can I get an amen on that? I can't hear you brothah! George Bush Jr. I deserve to be killed because I'm an idiot who gets to boss everybody around because my dad used to boss everybody around! Don't question me! I'm smarter than you! Look at me steal phrases and speeches from World War II! Yay! Britany Spears I deserve to die because I whored out to the music industry, and destroyed any semblance of crediblity that industry once had! I also sound worse than the Spice Girls! Osama bin Laden I deserve to die because George Bush Jr. doesn't like me! Jean Cretien I deserve to die because I told off George Bush Jr. I'm not sending my troops to fight every possible enemy he can think of! I'll fight Osama bin Laden, but really, you don't expect us to go after the entire "axis of evil", do you? Bill Gates I deserve to die because I think all you capitalist pigs should bow before me, comrade Gates! Steve Ballmer I deserve to die because I'm a bald fool. What? I didn't even place in the top 10? THE JUDGES ARE COMMUNISTS! Mundie from Microsoft I deserve to die because I can't see why anybody would want an alternative to me dying. I mean, if other people allow themselves to die, then the government gets less tax money from my funeral, and society collapses! The Winner None of the above, but they all get to die! There are no winners at the "kill me!" olympics, only losers. Because of that, everybody else wins! |
Lets start with that intro. Who ever thought that some kid in a robe with a round head would go "nyah", and who saw the lightning bolt flying out of his damn hands? It's just not right. I figure if you're going to make a game with a character that tiny, at least give them a spell better than "crappy firebolt". It's wrong that the bolt is white. Why the hell did they make it white? Have they ever actually seen fire? I have, it's not white!!! It's orange, yellow, red, sometimes blue, but never white, damnit! If these developers don't know the color of fire, that would explain the crazy mix of western and eastern cultures. Some things are meant to be kept seperate! What's wrong with these developers? I'm sure that in their little world of sumo wrestlers ,talking animals, friendly monsters and white fire, this game makes a whole lot of freakin' sense. Here in the real world however, where sumo wrestlers wear robes in public instead of diapers, monsters are the figment of an ignorant imagination, animals don't talk, and fire isn't white, this game is a just like a bad digital acid trip.
I tried killing some of those samurai, and they just don't die! If I'm killing an authority figure, he'd better not put up a fight. They didn't see it coming, and my wussy white fireball hit him right in the spine. He should be hurting too bad to fight back! On the other hand, when I kill innocent old men, women and children, I want blood! It really sucks how everything disappears in a puff of smoke, because if I go to the effort of killing little children, I at least want a cool death scene!
Speaking of death scenes, when I kill the daimyo, why the hell do these freakin' idiots keep threatening me? Realistically, if I can kick his ass once, I should be able to do it again, so how exactly will he and his troop of tough as nails but dangerous as kitty cats samurai get me? The magic they don't have? The swords they can't get in range to use? Those idiot townsfolk should stop telling me I'm going to get my ass kicked by the daimyo after I take him out. They should bow down before I take them out! What sort of idiot starts trash talking the guy who just killed every capable warrior in the village? A dead man, that's who.
All this isn't to say I don't like it. Any game which lets me kill innocent women and children scores big points in my book. Even better that I can kill those damn samurai fools. Freakin' squares deserve it. The graphics would have been great if there was more blood when I killed women and children. Maybe some bones and human gore would have helped too. The parts of the game which aren't killing samurai, women, and children were as fun as a person could have when not killing cops, women and children. That's a good amount of fun. Not nearly as much as it could have been with more killing, but that's what happens when people, opposed to inanimate objects,
 |
| So many people, so few crappy fireballs! |
design games. It's just a flaw I have to live with in the current generations' games.
--Alien Jack Nicholson wants to kill you. You and everybody else.